Greetings all…One of the most common questions we get concerns single guys in the club scene and even guys who are part of couples on how they should make friends, approach potential playmates, and become welcome in a club setting. Guys, this is not to be preachy or authoritative, this is just a message of advice to both the single guys and coupled guys out there. Some of you know this well, other are still learning, some need to listen carefully.
Guys, the ladies, ESPECIALLY in a club situation, be they single or part of a couple, are psychic, in that they know the outcome before it happens. They decide who plays with them and make no mistake, they communicate and commiserate and may well decide if a guy plays with her close friends as well.
The ladies have a buzzword, and the word is “creepy”. Once you are labeled as such, it is hard if not impossible to come back. You do NOT want to be that guy and trust me, some of the “hottest” guys to ever enter our club have been labeled as creepy, and you do NOT want to be that guy.
In my years as a participant, facilitator and organizer and now as a club owner in the lifestyle I have learned one thing, and that is that unlike the vanilla world, your attitude, approach, and level of confidence TEMPERED with humility, patience, empathy and consideration is far more important than six pack, abs or a 10 inch dick to 85% of the women in the lifestyle.
Here is my best advice guys apart from the basic no means no…., take it for what it’s worth
~ Never disqualify yourself, but never assume it is a sure thing either. The “unattainable” is indeed attainable with a confident, respectful and stand up approach
~. be aware of your facial expressions, no woman wants to be looked at like a pork chop
~. If you choose to watch, keep a body length
~ In a potential play situation, when it comes to “words”, less is more. and a simple “May I ?” trumps any slick lines you might think you have
~. Watch eye contact and body language, sometimes they speak louder then either a NO or a COME FUCK ME
~. A “NO” today does not mean it’s a NO always unless that is made clear. There are literally ladies I have known for 8 years, who I never played with till weeks ago. Just remember, THEY decide so while it is ok to check in, don’t be over persistent, that only works in the movies
~. A “YES” today may not mean a YES always, accept a no gracefully
~. Woman in the lifestyle are not “Fluffs” unless that arrangement is made in advance. Abandoning a partner mid stream for something that looks better will NOT help your rep.
~. If the woman is part of a couple, approach her as such. Even if she is not offended by your approach, it is a sure bet her man will be, and NO good comes of that.
~. Be able to socialize in a non sexual way before play even becomes an issue.
~ RELAX…the lifestyle is an activity, not a race
Follow these simple guidelines and your chances of being a successful single Gentlemen in the lifestyle are all be assured
Bek and Cos Perks
Although it’s true that “some of the ‘hottest’ guys to ever enter our club have been labeled as creepy,” hot guys can get away with a lot more creepy shit before they are labelled as creepy. I have seen two men do exactly the same borderline creepy things and only one get rejected because he didn’t have a six pack.
“Hey, I like you, we should go somewhere, afterwards you can show me where you live and ill never leave!” ..ohh, was that creepy?? 😉
love this! thank you for sharing such great guidelines. and helping to create more sexy time! =)
SexyLittleIdeas…..In our experience that six pack generally get s a guy a pass anywhere from 0-3 times depending on the severity of the creepiness. There are also other factors of supply and demand and peer pressure on how tolerant women and couples can be of a creeptastical dude, but I don’t want to over complicate it or give the guys the idea they should look for loopholes.
Sigh………..so here we go already putting the burden on the guys. Granted you want people on good behavior especially when some want to get naked and have sex with each other. But why isn’t there an unofficial code of conduct for the ladies? Swinging is already heavily in favor of females. They can pick and choose. And like a poster above said Ken Dolls and extroverted males get away with a lot more crap in a club or party. It’s the “bad boy” behavior rewarded big time.
Just once I’d love to see a club have a couples only night where you had to have a foursome and not try to cockblock the guy to get to his wife/gf. Standards like that are what I’m talking about.
Have a shy guys night where women lavish their charms on introverted men. Reward the gentlemen for a change.
I love some of the experiences I’ve had in swinging but I swear sometimes that an introverted male is about as popular as a pedophile at a PTA convention.
Too many times clubs/parties are simply a race to see who can screw how many people and to hell with everyone else. Sure rude boorish behavior by guys is a problem. But so is rude catty behavior by women, and I only see one of those issues ever addressed.
Derek…Knowing that couples in general and Ladies in particular have certain advantages in the lifestyle, I am just advising you guys how to work it to your best advantage. Quite the contrary to placing the burden on the guys,our intent was to ease it a bit.
Having said that, this is the first of many articles you will see from Bek and I here. I promise you we will cover all the issues you rightfully bring up and more, including but not limited to a similar message to the single ladies, the “Unicorn’s” long overdue removal from the rare and endangered list, advice and observations on Couples interactions in the club scene, and YES, the plight of the polite introverted male who does exactly what he is told he is supposed to do, and is “punished” for it.
We are SO pumped and grateful to have been given the opportunity by Cooper and company to write and advise on these issues. Stay tuned Derek, I promise you will not be disappointed.
georgette…Glad you enjoyed it and I hope you and others find it useful. Websites, bookshelves and the blogosphere are chuck full of advice, commentary and opinions on the lifestyle club scene and the lifestyle in general. Some of it is great, some of it is just okl, some of it is just plain aweful. We hope to provide information, observations and advice based on our years of experience and success, and hope everyone enjoys it.
Great article! I really appreciate this kind of guidance. It’s never been easy for me, and after 25 years with the same woman it’s kind of hard to get back into the mix.