Today’s Song: Sex on Wheelz- My Life with the Thrill Kill Cult
Famous person I’d like to fuck: Nikola Tesla
Today's Fun Fact
As I am woken up yet again by a terrible nightmare that highlights all of my most real insecurities and fears, I am motivated to share my heart with all of cyberspace. Let me talk about how I feel at this moment, though this will be very out of sync with the timeline of how I got here. I am afraid of a girl who used to be my boyfriend's love. It is irrational. No logic here. I make no claims that I am being such. My heart is racing, my hands shake, I doubt I'm using good grammar or even all the fancy book learning I have in the delicate art of syntax. I feel sick. I don't want to. I don't want to fear her. I don't want to fear them. I don't want to fear people. There is so much love in this world. I have been exposed to the very worst people can be. The terrible ways in which they can treat each other, especially from a position of power. I tell cyberspace this because there might be someone else out there who feels like me sometimes. When the fear overwhelms you to the point at which, you want to hide forever. It paralyzes you and makes it difficult to even fathom that the world has anyone in it who could love you, let alone more than one. Non-monogamy opens that world, and I want to believe so hard that I can be accepted into it.
I make no claim that all of non-monogamy will provide love to those who seek it. But it did for me. I had no expectations of doing so. I started with the intention of seeking people I was sexually compatible with to have a bit of fun. Playmates (which I love using the same terms Playboy has for its models) with which I had a connection. I never thought the first playmate would evolve faster than any species has, ever. Billions of years in a blink of an eye. So many places where it could have stopped evolving, and still been something amazing. But it only got better, stronger, faster…. It started with a podcast. Life on the Swingset. A clever name to remind me of the child-like fun one has at a playground with even a couple on a Swingset as the logo. It took me some 2 years to be convinced to even listen. My fear kept me from even entertaining the thought. But I started to feel secure again, I was in a good supportive relationship. Something rare to me in and of it's self. And so in September of 2012, I downloaded the catalog to my cell phone. I hooked the aux cable through my car radio, and listened as I commuted to work, on lunch breaks, and wore headphones for the rest of the time.
Somewhere around hearing 60 or so episodes, I was told by my job I was being sent to Chicago for a conference meeting. Very little notice and so many details to sort out, including how much free time I could possibly negotiate for. Light bulb. The self proclaimed head of the podcast lived in Chicago. To email or not to email, that was the question. I sought out advice, as a young padawan, about this new world that I was so very unsure of. And so I did it, with my boyfriend's blessing. Consent is sexy 😉 I emailed and ran away, like when I told a boy in college that I liked him on a piece of paper after class. I didn't look at my email until the fear subsided. Fully knowing I truly had nothing to lose here. I almost made my boyfriend read the reply, but he had his own flirting online. I decided this would be mine. A chat window, an olive branch, I was reaching out to communicate and hold on for whatever responses came back to me. A grappling hook, tossed out into the blackness not knowing if it would find a stable place to dig into. As I opened myself up to this new person who I only knew from a podcaster’s voice/personality, I felt like the eviscerated fetal pigs we dissected in high school. I was laying it all out there and holding nothing back. I was jumping off the cliff.
“Falling's easy – you just fall. Jumping requires strength of will.” And it didn’t hurt. Not even a little bit. I landed in one piece.