Read Part 1 here and Part 2 here.
I am a frustrated swinger. Plus my ego is bruised. I feel like I broke up with a couple and we hadn’t even gotten it on. Are they going to call us back? Is it over or on for next week? I just don’t know.
We have continued to court our local swingers. Flirty texts have flown back and forth. I have sent naughty photos as a birthday presents. The texts were hot. But no action.
We had them over for dinner last week. She warned us about her period, so no expectations. No problem. But after drinks and dinner, Mr. D. and she couldn’t help themselves. Kissing began. They retired to the couch. Her husband sat on a chair near them.
And I… Well, I started to clean up the kitchen. I didn’t know what to do with myself. As far as I knew, I was not allowed to touch her husband at all. She was very clear about that. So I had no idea what my role could be, or should be. I knew I did not want to be doing the dishes in the kitchen. But I couldn’t interrupt and say, “Pardon me. What are the rules here?”
After they left that evening, Mr. D and I talked. She and her husband talked. Mr. D and I spent 45 minutes composing a text explaining our position. We explained that I felt was awkward. I needed a role of some kind. We need to take a step back and see how everyone feels. They appreciated that text and then I got a private message from the blonde saying that she was coming around to the idea of him full swapping with me. And I grinned very widely that day.
I suggested we meet for a drink to talk things over at some point. “How about in an hour?” she asked. Okay.
We had a great conversation and heart to heart. Her husband was worried that I was not attracted to him. I was worried the same about him. We both had things shut down so hard that we didn’t allow anything to come to the surface. It was a relief to know that he was frustrated as well that night. I was excited to think that we had some window to play together.
Yet I also wanted to be cautious. I suggested that even if she was opening to that idea, it was not a good idea the same night as the first sex between her and Mr. D. I told her that they both would spontaneously combust if that didn’t happen soon. The evening would be ruined for her if she was worrying about how she was feeling about her husband playing with a girl for the first time. She agreed. I suggested some sexy things with limits that I could do with her husband while they played. Kissing. Lap dances. Dirty talking. Lots of groping. She would need to give us the line of where we had to stop. She just had to do some thinking about the lines. We left the bar happy.
And…. nothing. Mr. D. texted her to ask about her availability over the weekend. She responded that she was not available but she would look at some dates. That was a week ago. I texted her about going out with her to a vanilla event. “No thanks,” she said.
I hate this part of the lifestyle. I feel like l am back in middle school. What on earth is happening here? Is she just taking time to figure out what she needs? Have they changed their minds? I missed the anticipation and build up of this ongoing odyssey. We are swingers. We don’t like this drama stuff. It’s a big reason why we aren’t polyamorous. The drama sucks for us. It’s confusing. It’s exhausting. And right now, we are feeling rejected after a whole lot of energy. I missed the flirty texts. I missed the anticipation and yet at the same time I was also tired of the anticipation. This itch needed to be scratched between Mr. D and the hot thing. Letting it just sit was not feeling right. Closure of some kind was needed.
I process best by talking about things. That’s what girlfriends are for. In this situation, Mr. D. is a part of the issue. It was my decision to make. I am the one that has to be fully comfortable with this idea. He doesn’t work as my confidante here. I needed to think about his actions and talk about them in a way that was separate from what he was feeling and thinking. For a lifestyle couple that always has played as a team, this was a very individual process that I need to move through. This situation had me longing to live in a community in which I can be open about who we are and where we are headed.
After several weeks of feeling gloomy, I came to an epiphany. We weren’t going to get what we want out of this couple, meaning I wasn’t going to get much or anything at all from the guy. She was not ready for that. Yet, not doing anything felt far worse in this situation that doing something that wasn’t within our playbook. Allowing Mr. D. to play solo with her was a better decision for us then letting this die. Too much expectation and build up had occurred.
I realized that I wasn’t averse to Mr. D. playing with her. I was upset and frustrated that I wasn’t going to be playing. The thought of sitting home alone doing housewife stuff while they were having fun would feel rather torturous to me. I had toyed with the idea of bringing a single guy into the plans for me. But then I realized that maybe I just needed to be busy when they made their plan. I have a business trip coming up in which I will be on the go for four days straight. In another time zone. My head would not be anywhere near home, the lifestyle, sexiness. Yet I would be having fun. Seeing colleagues that I haven’t seen in years. Going to dinners and receptions and reconnecting with old friends. Maybe this was the perfect time.
So, I decided to give Mr. D. a hall pass. I had discussed the idea of a hall pass about a year ago in a previous blog. Last year, Mr. D. did set up a play date with good friends of ours. He was halfway to their house when they texted to cancel. They had gotten in a fight and she had left for her mothers. Sadly, we haven’t really heard from them since.
I sent the hot thing a text that said, “This is going to come out of the blue, but I am giving Mr. D a rare hall pass this weekend while I am away on business. I am sure he would most prefer to use it with you. Let me know if you are interested.”
She wrote back almost immediately. “Wow. Are you sure? I am surprised, excited, a little honored actually. Are you sure?”
I wrote back, “Yes. I am as surprised as you are. Take your time figuring this out. But realize that he turns into a pumpkin when my flight touches down at the end of the weekend, so don’t wait too long.”
It felt right to do. I am also glad that I phrased it as a hall pass—a break from our rules, not an end to our rules. That way if it didn’t work for me or us, it’s not awkward if it doesn’t happen again. This is a special gesture. Not a new normal. For now at least.
I hope it feels right as it goes down. I am really excited that we are moving forward with this plan. I even received a note from her husband that said something along the lines of “thanks for letting your husband fuck my wife. You are awesome.”
I didn’t want this scenario. But I’d rather have it than no scenario at all. I’m nervous and excited at the same time about how this will go down. And really hoping that we all feel great about it after it happens.
When I wrote about the hall pass idea last year, Khristy from ethicalnonmanogamy.blogspot.com commented on my blog with a wonderful list of suggestions of how to make solo play work better. She wrote:
– Check in with the left out partner and update them, let them know you are thinking of them even when they are not there
– Have someone else that who you have played with chat with you and keep you feeling the love
– Be 100% honest all the time! Both of you! Not easy when it comes to feelings like loneliness or guilt.
– Understand if things go further or longer than they intend, the person who is out is having a real fun sexy time, and can get completely caught up in the moment, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love and think about you. If they make a mistake, address it, but understand that we all will and when it’s your turn making the mistake you will want the love, support and forgiveness of your partner.
– Respect their time together. This is where things are a little different than same room swinging, you have to trust that your partner is going to do right by you (but understand if they make a mistake, it happens) and allow them to enjoy their time together without phone calls or text messages from you. You should be confident enough to know you are their number 1.
-If they are cool with it, have your hubby call you while he is tangled up with them and just listen…gets you involved and can be SO hot!
-Eroticize it. Make it a fantasy before it happens and then you imagine it as it’s happening and instead of getting jealous, you get turned on. Recaps during reconnecting with your partner can be amazingly hot!
-Re-address any rules you have and this is really important: outline expectations, hopes, and possibilities. You both should be on the same page about what will or won’t happen, and about any possibilities! (sex in public ok? drinks? where? bed off limits? quickies? romance? dinner? what if there is a rule broken, does play stop or do you just call and discuss later?)
Mr. D and I went out for sushi with this list and talked it through thoroughly. I also thought back to a Swapfu podcast that I listened to a while back in which Mrs. Swapfu went on a business trip and her husband was hosting a woman in their house when she was gone. She said that she was giddy with anticipation all day thinking about their date. And then once she realized that the date had started, she needed to shut the thought process off and let them have their time. It was a very healthy model. One that I hope I can live up to.
Great post. I really hope it went well for all involved. That is a sticky situation and you handled it with grace.
” Yet, not doing anything felt far worse in this situation that doing something that wasn’t within our playbook. ”
I’m just curious as to the WHY you feel like not doing anything felt like the worst option?
Julie, such a great question that I’m going to do a whole blog post on it. Short answer is, we wanted her more than we wanted our rules. 🙂