When I came out almost ten years ago, I had no idea there were more facets to my sexuality that would come into question later in life. About two years ago I met and developed feelings for a new person in my life. It was very unexpected, but really amazing on so many levels.
For one, I have found that I take quite a bit of pleasure from crushes I form. It is fun to meet a new person and develop an admiration for the person they are, as well as the more physical attractions they can pull out of me. Crushes are also excellent ways to work on feelings of compersion, which is to put it simply the polar opposite of jealousy. If I develop a crush on someone it can be very fulfilling to see them find happiness elsewhere, whether that be in a new relationship or with a partner they are with currently. It is never my intention to be careless in any way with the hearts and minds of anyone I become attracted to, which is why I tend to keep most of those feelings to myself. In certain circumstances I have been known to confess how I feel for someone, but in most cases it is not appropriate for either party involved.
This brings me to another level of satisfaction I have gleaned from the crushes I have indulged in over the years. I have a primary partner and we have been together for almost six years now. When I started “crushing on” this new person in my life I realized that those feelings never interfered with, or changed, how much I care about my partner. For someone who got by on serial monogamy after a pretty serious break up, this was huge!
It felt amazing and reaffirming and I got to thinking… Maybe I am polyamorous. Could I be like so many of the individuals I look up to in the sex-positive community; open and loving multiple partners? I continued to read about the subject and listen to podcasts of people who are open and candid about the lifestyle they lead, but it was not until recently that I really began to think about the implications and realities of this (potentially) new aspect of myself.
Some of which being how terrible I can be at communication. It has been something I have dealt with since I was a child and over the years, despite sex-positive revelations I have had, little has changed that about me. I tend to avoid confrontation like the plague, and hate the thought of saying something that might hurt someone I love. This poses some problems, especially with having a primary partner of a number of years and realizing something as life-altering as being poly is might indeed be a real part of who I am as a sexual being. So given my track record with communication it is no surprise I sat on this for quite some time, almost two years in fact, over-analyzing and running scripts through my head. I had a close friend who I could talk to about it, but it was never with the one person who needed to hear these thoughts and feelings most, but I am happy to report that is no longer the case!
Yes, I have finally shared my desires to potentially open up our relationship with my partner. Phew! The funniest thing about it was that I had no plans to do so, but it just came out one night as we were settling in for bed. And for the life of me I cannot remember how it was even brought up. It was a very simple statement and it came out very easily. I was also very relieved when my confession was met with understanding and some open-mindedness. I was by no means trying to place an ultimatum on the table because at this point who knows how anything will go. In theory many things sound so great, but in practice they can work out much differently than we expect. Little by little we have opened up more about the subject and just sex in general. Communication will be key because I do not want to move ahead with anything until our relationship is on solid ground. It has a great foundation, but there are still things we (and I) need to work on.
The morning after I had initially brought up the subject things felt different. Possibilities were there that had not been and I felt more comfortable opening my mouth to let the thoughts come out. We have had some fun conversations since then, and I look forward to where this might lead us. Just because one might form an attraction for another does not mean a relationship in place is a lie or lacking, it just means everyone involved can learn and explore so much more than they had thought possible. As long as I am able, I will maintain an open mind and open heart because lately it has just made me feel like a happier person.
Originally posted on (+) Style Blog.