Photo provided by Marco Gomes
Hey sexy people, Cooper here. Blue came to me with a proposal, to document her journey into Polyamory. I told her to climb on up and take a swing.
“I am definitely in love with her.”
Not that strange a sentence. Millions, billions of people probably think or say the same thing every day, in their own language or in their own way. Maybe it's a little more unique because I said it and I'm a woman. It takes the cake because I was saying this to my husband.
I've always had this little “problem,” let's say, of falling in love. I thought everyone was the same, always squelching their deep affection for friends who would never know. After a bad experience with an open relationship that ended badly, I felt like I was doomed to be miserable or (gasp!) a cheater.
When I met my husband, he was already aware that I had this tendency. I used to joke that I would fall in love with someone new every day. And for a long time, I managed to keep myself in a monogamous relationship. We got married, we were happy, sex was great. I wanted for nothing.
Then I met her.
It was at first, as it usually is for me, completely innocent. It is hard for me to get close to people but for some reason, we just clicked. We spent hours just sitting in her apartment, talking, sharing our histories, discussing books, movies, and sex. Attraction became clear in almost no time, and a fast two months after meeting her I knew I was in over my head. At this point, I would usually back off. The other person has no idea and doesn't seem to have the same feelings for me. Only this time I know it isn't true. She's expressed herself and I know there is a chance for something… something new and amazing.
It is not in me to be dishonest. So, nervous and excited, I sat at the breakfast bar in our apartment, tapping my fingers on the counter top. As I watched my husband make dinner, I cleared my throat. It was now or never. “I have to tell you something…”
His initial reaction was fantastic. He listened to everything I had to say, even being patient with me as I burst into tears and told him that I was sorry, apologizing for being fucked up, unable to be “normal” and monogamous. He said I shouldn't have to be sorry. In fact, he saw it coming.
The calm and accepting atmosphere my husband was projecting for me made me feel safe, happy. He was understanding about the situation and as our conversation about things progressed I began to feel giddy. Suddenly my guilt about falling in love with this amazing woman was replaced with the simple joy of being in love, amplified by the way my husband was reacting. I gave him an out, telling him that it wasn't too late to put a stop to it, but he said it was fine. I was just overjoyed that I was -allowed- to love her.
That was back in May, three months ago, now. We three have gone through a lot already, on our own and in our relationships with each other. It hasn't all been good but it hasn't all been bad, either. I'm a polyamorist. I am married to Ark, honestly the best husband anyone could ask for (and I'm not just saying this because he's cool with me having a girlfriend, though that is a plus), and I am also in a committed relationship with Kitten. The three of us form a “V”, with me at the point. And I have grand dreams of where this new situation can take us, us three, who are still taking baby steps.
As I am exploring polyamory, I am also learning how to love a woman, which is a different and exciting experience on its own. I intend to blog about the things I'm learning, the trials we've faced and will face in the future, and the things we do to make this unconventional (but awesome!) relationship work.