I have never been a jealous type of person, but because people have frequently asked me why, it’s prompted me to take a deeper look.
First, let me ask this: what happens when you have something you love dearly that you’re afraid of losing? You hold onto it tighter, you keep an eye on it and you’re very particular about who you let borrow or take care of it!
What happens when you do that to a person? They feel suffocated, trapped and at some point, they’ll look for the fastest way out. But if you give them freedom, they’ll want to stay. So why would I act as if I’m afraid of losing him?
If you don’t mind, I’m going to take you inside my head for just a moment. I promise you won’t be there long and it is perfectly safe: just keep your hands inside the vehicle, no flash photography, safety goggles and harnesses on, now hold on for the ride!
Do you want to know the key thing that allows me to swing and not get jealous? The one thing that makes all the difference? Well here it is: It’s that I don’t look at my husband as ‘belonging’ to me.
In my mind he’s not a possession; I don’t own him and he doesn’t own me. This means that we are operating from a different level of respect; we allow the other to choose to stay with us for another day. When we focus on how grateful we are to have them in our lives, we become less concerned with thoughts of “What if I lose them?”
Now let’s just look at this a little further. Jealousy also comes from insecurities. You’ve probably seen this happen: One partner’s attention gets temporarily diverted to someone who looks like an ultra sexy supermodel that one could only ever dream of being with. The thoughts start to creep in: “They must be better than me,” and “My partner wants to be with her more than me.” These thoughts are not true!
These doubts often stem from a person’s lack of self-esteem. If you have these thoughts, you need to work on them first, and get comfortable in your own skin. Not the easiest thing in the world to do, but the payoff is huge in your relationship!
I’m the first one to acknowledge that other women have bigger breasts, a firmer butt, fewer stretch marks, more of this, less of that than I do… Basically there will always be someone I consider to be better looking than me in some way.
But what’s the point in getting upset about it? Seriously, it’s a waste of time and energy that I could be spending either doing something about it (by going back to the gym), or simply enjoying the fact he is with me and doing something together that makes us happy.
If you’d rather not be jealous the key is to make it about your partner and not you. Think about it for a second: when you get jealous it’s all about what YOU are not getting, or what YOU might lose. His happiness is what’s important to me, so I give him the freedom to make the comments about the hot chick that just walked past in a short skirt and boobs almost falling out. If he feels he can be honest with what he’s thinking, without judgment or being slapped, he’ll talk to me about his other deepest darkest desires. Yeeha!!!
When we’re playing with other people, I love seeing him with someone else because he’s having so much fun, he’s doing something (or someone) new and enjoying the experience, and THAT is important to me. It’s about him making the most of this life and me being able to do the same. If he feels like he can relax with me and be himself, he’s happy! Imagine being in a relationship where you have to censor everything you say and you feel like you’re walking on egg shells trying not to upset your partner because of his jealousy. Is it a relaxed relationship? Is it fun to be in? Are you likely to share everything with him? Hell no!
Now flip it and imagine being in a relationship where you can throw out the odd comment about how gorgeous a non-partner was, where you are not being judged and are free to be you in every aspect of the word, where you are able to share your deepest darkest desires (which may include someone else) and you will only be greeted with support and encouragement. How does it make you feel? You want to stay there, right?
I’ve just described the relationship I have and it’s phenomenal. I am the happiest I can be and our love only grows stronger as a result of the openness we have… And it’s all because of the way we both think! My best advice is to be so grateful for every second you have together, rather than in fear of it ending. Your gratefulness will help you move past the fear so you can allow them to choose to stay.
I give him freedom to be him, he gives me freedom to be me, and we support each other every step of the way. Neither one of us holds the other so tightly that they want to be anywhere else but here. And why would I ever want to be with someone else? With him I get to have my cake and eat it too!
Here’s to your sexual evolution!
Super good stuff. I have never gotten jealous myself in a swinging situation and my wife doesn't suffer from such issues either.
We have seen it though many times.
Possesion and insecurity are pretty much always at the root of it.
We are just getting started opening our relationship. I am of the opinion that one can't avoid jealousy at all times. One just needs to work through it, in the same way you may work through boredom or disappointment.
For instance, my wife is out on a date right now. My method was to just write and write, in a journal form, over on the Great Sex Games forum. Sure, no one will read what I write but it helps to just put down my thoughts.
I love this… So well put. I am not a jealous person and sometimes that makes it hard for me when I am with anyone who is jealous, because I say things or do things that wouldn’t bother me but end up bothering them. Communication seems to always be the key and allowing your partner to be honest with you and say things without flipping out will encourage them to share other things with you as well.
Jealousy is such a waste of energy. I would rather know that Trbl (hubby-extrodinaire) was enjoying his life — no matter what that means sexually than to have him limit his experiences and life enjoyment out of fear of my reaction.
Great article 🙂
This is very helpful. My wife and I talk about being with another woman, and or another man. We both feel it would be hot but not sure if one another could handle it. I really feel this article may help us make the move. Thank you
all and good ……now, but what about when the wrinkles and the weight set in and he looks at all the young 20 somethings that you can’t compete with. let us know how secure you are with your relationship then!
This is pretty negative.
I’d love some advice! We have been in the lifestyle for a little over a year now. When everything first started happening I wasn’t really a jealous person. I felt confident and happy with where our relationship was. Now after so long I find myself more uncomfortable and more jealous in different situations than I ever was. My husband is amazing and he is open and he lets me do whatever I want when I want to do it. So why do I feel so jealous now? Why can’t I be as happy as he is with everything and not freak out? And is it even possible to set boundaries when the other partner doesn’t care? ( I’m no sex with others, he would like to)