So I was thinking of writing in the third person to introduce myself but I do loathe that form of speech when speaking of such as personal matter…sex. It is a strong word that is often thought to be as common as a handshake. For me, sex is a powerful exchange of pain and pleasure between two persons of interest to one another. If sex was as neat and tidy as that definition, it would be quite boring. And sex is anything but boring…for me, anyway.
I am a Black American cisgender woman and you will be reading about my sexcapes. You may read some death defying feats, tender moments, or things that make you say “DAMN!”. As my friend would say “Breath around it.”
Being a black woman in any arena changes the rules a bit. I can tell you that black culture is still not okay with the very idea of other loves much less polyamory. As a black woman, you are supposed to date one man and you do your dirt in private and keep ya business out da street. I was never aware that there were different forms of relationships before I met my Beau. He has definitely been my inspiration to seek out new relationships and never be satisfied with the mundane. Many people believe that these types of relationships are a “whites only” club but that is far from the truth. Aside from myself, multiple races and creeds are represented in every form of alternative lifestyles.
My personal motto is to EMBRACE YOUR SPECTACLE and I do love to embrace a lot. I have been in the BDSM/fetish/kink scene for about 2 years. I am a switch (dominant or submissive) in this phase and I am dating 2 dominant (one in control of play) men, a submissive (one being controlled in play) and have one sex toy, who is Latin American. The dominants are both white, one is German Jewish (nonmonogamous), Eastern European (polyamorous) and the submissive is Jewish, too. I am exploring my bisexuality (for the last 2 months) and polyamory (for about 10 months). As any good explorer knows, books and facts are just as relevant as the physical experiences. To quote my Beau, “I crave variety” and I am a firm believer in satisfying all my craving.[pullquote]My personal motto is to EMBRACE YOUR SPECTACLE and I do love to embrace a lot.[/pullquote]
The name game will need to be played so that we are all on the same page as to whom I am typing about. I will give each partner a quick introduction and you time to digest but faithful readership will make it easier to keep up.
Beau – German Jewish, we have been dating since January 2009
Newt – Jewish submissive, we met at the Kinky Seder (Passover) 2009
Toy – Latin American, we met online in 2006
Tart – Eastern European, we met at mutual friend's birthday party in March 2009
My perspective is even weirder because I am a Christian with an ordained reverend father and the quintessential preacher's wife mother. My parents do not know about my extracurricular activities nor do I see the need to “come clean”. Denial can be just as comforting as the truth as I see it. The question that consistently stops me from confessing any part of my private life is what will it gain them. Will they sleep better knowing that someone is leaving bruises on their eldest daughter? Will they feel warm fuzzes knowing that one of the men I am seeing enjoys being choked during sex? A resounding NO comes to mind and so I leave it out. I want my parents to be happy as I am sure that they want the same for me. So if I am not adding to their happiness by enlightening them as to exactly what I am doing behind closed doors then there is no point to ending the charade for them.
So let's diffuse a few wrong assumptions, I am not an expert in life, love, or spirituality. I am human being that is prone to making snap judgments and lots of mistakes. So then why read? Because it's crazy interesting. My life is in constant motion and always moving forward but there will be no reason to convince you. I can make you no promises that it will be a fairy tale. All I can promise you is as much truth as you can stand. My life is far from perfect or dull but it is mine and I love it.[pullquote]If there is one thing that I learned from my dominant mentor it was that bdsm is what you make it.[/pullquote]
I am very aware there will be some words you don'tknow nor understand and that is more than okay. If there is one thing that I learned from my dominant mentor it was that bdsm is what you make it. Although there is etiquette in BDSM, the preset verbiage or general vocabulary is very special to each person because fetish is individualized. So look for short definitions in parentheses next to a word or just ask me.
I was dating a vanilla black man for 5 years (long-distance). Due to my unsatisfiable urge for sex, I was having sex with one local guy and all were aware of the situation. Many times I would be saying my evening goodnight to my boyfriend on the phone with the local in his boxers seating on the couch next to me. I started my evolution to a nonmonogamous switch with 1 boyfriend and 1 local. The local survived and became my sex toy and I discovered a world of limitless possibilities. Not a bad accomplishment at 28 years old and one that should be shared.
Kisses to all.
By Foxy Squire
First of all, welcome!
I've been thinking about your article since yesterday, and I found it a very interesting read. In particular, I appreciate your statement that if being "out" doesn't add to someone's happiness, then he or she doesn't need to know about it. Although there are arguments to be made for being out and visible to sex-negative people, when it comes to family, friends, or business associates it's better to keep others on a need-to-know basis. Thanks for the insight!
As a Black woman navigating the poly/swinging world who also happens to have a retired Pastor as a father, reading this was a breath of fresh air. It’s funny because my husband and I went to out first party and I was certain I would be the only person of color…surprise I wasn’t. I look forward to reading more posts by you.