We hit it off so well with Lady and Mr. Wonderful that we proposed something we have never even considered doing before—we invited them and their family to spend the weekend at our house. They live about 3 hours away from us, and our kids are the same ages and genders. We thought we’d try it out and see how it would go. It really was a blending of the vanilla and lifestyle worlds as we introduced our children to one another, as we all wondered about in our yard as neighbors strolled past. We were very discreet and careful not to send any strange signals to our children about the situation. The lifestyle part of the evening did not occur until the kids were sound asleep.
What we liked about the situation is having new friends who were open-minded as well as funny, intelligent, and very compatible in terms of interests, hobbies, life goals, etc. It was uncomfortable though since Mr. Doubleplay and I are still figuring out our lifestyle interests in this couple. We’re not sure if we have the same lifestyle goals as Lady and Mr. W. and we don’t want our lifestyle choices to be influenced by who our kids want to befriend. It’s great when it is all compatible, but we carefully monitor our own relationship and are sensitive to making sure that any playing we do enhances our relationship and doesn’t do any damage. It’s hard to focus on that goal when other variables are put into the mix, such as the friendships the kids are building between each other. It is causing us to question whether it is better to keep the vanilla and lifestyle lives completely separate—especially where family is involved!
Our main concern with Lady and Mr. W. is that they approach the lifestyle very differently than we do. They have never attended a club, and the one party that they attended was not their style. Instead, they prefer to meet couples online and then set up dates with them. In the past, these dates have turned into lifestyle relationships in which they see the same couple regularly over the course of months. They blend families; they spend birthday parties together. They often mix their vanilla and lifestyle worlds.
That seemed fine to us initially since they’re fabulous people. But what troubled Mr. Doubleplay and I was that the Ws did not fit with our “team player” vision that I articulated in my previous blog. Lady and Mr. W seemed to have this expectation that we swap partners for the whole weekend—not just during sex. Meaning, if we all sat down together, I’d be sitting with her husband and she would sit with mine. Sex was her having sex with Mr. Doubleplay and me with Mr. W. without much of any variation on that theme. I started to miss my husband even though he was right there in the house the whole weekend. We realized that we don’t want another relationship—we’re happy with the one we have. Does that mean that we are incompatible with this couple or that we are not doing a good job of communicating in a positive way our preferences for how we play? And is this a common interest of hard swap couples? We’re just too new to this type of lifestyle play to know whether this experience was a common expectation or an unusual situation.
We often play with the same couple over long periods of time, but outside of play we are still with our own partner. We would expect to sit next to each other at dinner for example, and we would expect more group play to happen, than have it be so coupley. Vanilla activities spent with non-vanilla friends are worth a simple honest conversation about your goals and desires.
Two interesting topics here actually. Except for our trips to places like Desire, we often try to meet couples at home that we can develop a relationship with and see as our schedule allows. This takes time to develop and sometimes we’ll see a couple for a while before realizing that it is not really working. When it does work though, it’s great! We’ve played with one couple regularly over the course of two years. We just find that the more we get to know a couple, the better the sexual aspects get because you really get to know what works and doesn’t work during play situations (much like my spouse and I have spent years learning each other’s bodies).
It seems that this couple is taking that to a very different level, one one that we wouldn’t be comfortable with. The most important part of play for us is seeing each other have fun, and really having it be about a foursome (or moresome), and not pairing off. Sure that happens, but we really love to move back and forth between us and our play partners…and ultimately have great reconnect sex at the end of the evening. It seems you have a nagging feeling, and we’ve learned to trust those.
As for blending vanilla and lifestyle relationships, we’ve done that as well (with the long term couple mentioned above). It’s worked very well for us. We really like the couple, our kids really like each other, and – really important – we both like each others kids. This isn’t something that we look for when meeting new couples, and it definitely took some time to get where we are. There are similar situations with other couples where it really hasn’t worked all that well.
I don’t know what you mean by ‘hard swap’ couples – Is that the same as Full Swap? We prefer full swap but we prefer same room, and even more precisly same bed in a group sex manner. We absolutely love to see each other’s enjoyment, but I know that is not for everyone. We annotate it in our profile and ensure people know this, and it has been a deal breaker when couples have wanted to full swap in different rooms.
The merging of vanilla worlds and LS seem to be a new concept in the swinging world and more and more couples are doing it. They realize, they don’t have to be emotionally monogamous, and they can have feelings for another couple without hurting thier marraige or becoming jealous (compersion). They also realize they don’t have to be polyamorous to have feelings for another couple (we love our vanilla best friends, and we have never had a sexual relationship with them – why not have feelings for a couple that is amazing in and out of bed?!) The chances though of the dynamics being there for both couples is rare – but it can happen. Just in the past months we have run into three other couples that have ‘another couple’.
As for us merging vanilla worlds and our LS, we have tried this and have been in a successful relationship with another wonderful couple. Again, it all comes down to what makes a relationship work with your hubby, works on a relationship with another couple (Yes, if you are seeing each other more than once and in the vanilla world without sex, it becomes a relationship) such as communication, not taking each other for granted, respect for each other and them, comprimise ect. We also feel it is important to not become wrapped up in the other couple; love is infinite, but not time. Too much energy and time together can lead to burn out real quick if not careful. We also choose to not go exclusive (after all we are in the LS to be with other people). You will find what works for you over time. I always encourage people in the LS, don’t give up on trying something after one couple. All couple are different what works for one, may not work for another.
To answer your question though, I have never spoken with a couple that has wanted to swap partners out of the bedroom save those that go on seperate dates/meet-ups without thier partner.