I suffer from what Dan Savage refers to as “The Death Grip,” an (admittedly) self inflicted condition. While it may SOUND like a ninja-related issue, it's much more mundane. I have a very specific masturbation method, and it has ruined me for other methods (even by other helpful participants) to the point where I occasionally will say: “just let me do it.”

So, I find my choices to be: continue my self loving in my familiar (and oh so comforting fashion), choose Savage's advice which is to just deprive myself forever of that specific stimulation whilst choosing one of the many other (mediocre, IMHO) grips, OR to try what many are calling the greatest advancement in masturbation technology since Jurgens: The Fleshlight.

This bad boy has had many a laugh at its expense. (I'll admit it took me a long while of chuckling to myself before I even began to consider the idea that one day I might own and, indeed, fuck said Fleshlight.) But several blogs and podcasts that I know and trust said many good things about it, most notably how much it actually does feel like real sex, and how it is good for training your body to respond to specific stimulus. (That preferably doesn't center on your thumb hitting at JUST the right angle.)

So, intrigued (and with Valentine's Day coming up) I asked my beautiful wife Marilyn (since we were already planning to exchange toys for VDay [She got a Feeldoe, btw]) if she'd get me the Fleshlight.

It arrives tomorrow.

So, thus The Great Fleshlight Experiment (trademark pending [though I don't think I can use a trademark {ie Fleshlight} within another trademark. Though it would seem I sure as hell can use nested weird fancy brackets within regular old brackets within parenthesis…I'm good like that.]) begins. For ONE MONTH, I will not use any other form of solo man love. (Not the love of ANOTHER man, the love of the man that sits at my desk and writes my blog posts…not that another man does that. Solo ME love.) For one month, it's the Fleshlight or going without. (Or, of course, Life on the Swingset…wink wink)

Will it help? Will it last? Will Cooper be able to actually post cohesive updates that make sense and don't involve even FURTHER nestled brackets? (I have NO idea what you nestle within those fancy brackets, though…perhaps it's a signal that I shouldn't.) Only time will tell!

Read Part II

Read Part III

Read Part IV

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