A while ago I found myself single again. Just like with every breakup comes the crazy insanity of trying to pick your self up and figure yourself out again. Getting your feet back underneath you and moving forward, learning how to function again as a single person and how to be alone in the world in general. Just about the time you figure out…”Okay, I'm good. I can do this. I'm okay alone.”…you realize you still have to think about one more detail….”Oh my god, what about my swinging life?”… and the questions start all over for a whole other arena in your life.
What about my swinging life? Now that I am single, what am I going to do with this? Is this even what I want in my life?
Being brought into the lifestyle with a partner that had already been in the lifestyle was a huge comfort for me and made this easier to handle and adjust to. I knew I had someone there to protect me and shield me from situations that may not be all that great. Someone that would slow things down when they could tell that I was overwhelmed and not truly enjoying an experience. I'm single now, in the lifestyle…that safety net is now gone! Now what do I do? How do I control these situations? How do I say “No” or “I'm simply not ready for this yet” without offending people? You reach that point where the laundry list comes out again, that self-preservation list that you started with when you first got into the lifestyle of things you needed in place for your safety, I called them my safety bumpers.
Now I will be the first to admit that my situation and introduction into the lifestyle was not with the right person and not normal by any means. However, I made sure to take the time for myself and talk with all types of lifestylers: other couples that had been in the lifestyle for long amounts of time, couples that were dating and in the lifestyle, couples that were married; and asked all sorts of questions about the swinging lifestyle. I asked what this world was really about and how it worked and why it worked soooo well for them and their relationships. I also asked what made it special and important to them, so I was not getting a jaded one side view of the playground.
I learned a lot from those couples and to this day am extremely grateful for their wisdom that was imparted on to me. I honestly feel that had I not done the homework I did, I would have become yet another cynic that would have gotten on my soap box preaching about moral values, the corrupt world of swinging, and the sins of sex. Anyway, I got educated was my point. I learned that this world is about pleasure. It's about learning how to pleasure and be pleasured selflessly in both giving and receiving and how to bring those tools into your personal relationship to build it up and make it stronger. I started learning about how to share myself with the right partner, how powerful and moving that kind of relationship between two people really could be, and how it should be when alone in your own room. The pleasureful experiences of the playground to enhance the enjoyment with your partner and the places that could lead and take you.
While, yes, I was in a very dysfunctional one-sided relationship that made little to no sense in this world, I chose while still together, to pull out of the swinging life until things at home were how they were supposed to be. Balanced with a give and take in our bedroom and with us being able to pleasure one another freely without expectations or demands that were derogatory and demeaning. Needless to say, our relationship ended in disaster and very bitterly because of my choice; a choice I definitely do not regret.
My thinking was that I was not going to hurt people needlessly because my partner elected the lifestyle as a free forum to cheat right in front of my face, because how could it be cheating really while I am in the same room watching and participating while everything is happening. To me, and this is my personal opinion and nothing more, if you are not pleasuring your partner at home, just the two of you, and continue to swing there are serious problems that need to be addressed. In my situation, there were more problems than I knew.
When I got to a place where I could honestly look at myself and where my place was in the lifestyle, it started to scare me in more ways than I ever thought. Did I enjoy the lifestyle and the people I knew? Absolutely! Did I trust the people I knew? Yes I did, but I only knew them in couples settings. Never single dates, never threesomes, never alone. I am alone now and I am single…. “Do I now become the HOT commodity because I am that single female unicorn that most couples are looking to have a threesome with and that is it?” was all I kept asking myself. Well, that was not what I wanted at all. I want relationships and friendships and people who I can be with on the playground and off of the playground as well. I didn't want to be some trophy prize, piece of meat, number or faceless woman who some couple got to pop their cherry on to try to figure out if this was something they wanted to be apart of or not. I started making myself feel cheap and I got more scared than I ever cared to admit. I realized very quickly that being in the swinging world as a single, well, the world is really bigger out there as a single than I think anyone cares to think about!
I decided it was time to reach out to people who I trusted, that I knew I could trust, and be straight with me to give me some guidance without a swingers' opinion or swingers' goal coming into it. I reached out to Marilyn and Cooper, long time friends of mine, I knew I could trust them and I knew I could confide in them strongly. I talked to them for months! Sharing my concerns and fears and the “now whats?” and frustrations of being a single female in this world and trying to figure out my new role on the playground and where I fit in it.
While talking to Cooper in several one on one conversations, he encouraged me to write about my journey and was always giving me all sorts of great facts and information, educating me in things I never even considered would be an option in lifestyle for me. I didn't know much about the lifestyle other than the experiences I had and the disappointments and short sheeting events that made me question how the lifestyle really was supposed to work.
Marilyn was great in giving me the heart of a woman's perspective in the lifestyle, reminding me about pleasure and really getting the opportunity to learn about the differences between sex and love, passion and lust, and let's not forget the great conversations about toys. The views and understanding compassion from her made me realize that I needed to be kind to myself and take special care and precautions with me while figuring out what I wanted out of my experiences.
When I would talk to them as a couple, when I reached outside of my safety net a little more, they both kept sharing the same thing with me and it didn't make sense until I started talking to a gentleman that was very vanilla and very uneducated about the lifestyle and highly opinionated about it. Their couples' advice was that I surround myself with people I trusted and felt safe in swinging with, that I knew would respect me and if I got freaked out would understand and not take it personally. That they would see and understand that I may just need some more time and see that I am not new to this, but rather that I was a new single to this great big playground trying to find my way around.
While I am growing more and more in being more confident in being a single in the swinging world, I value the friendships I have in the lifestyle and the people I have surrounding me at this time supporting me. My suggestion for anyone, male or female, that has become a single for the first time in the swinging world…keep the people you trust the most closest to you during this time while you heal and figure out your place in the playground as a single. They will understand where you are as long as you communicate with them. They will support you and give you the time to get your feet underneath you until you can figure out what direction you want to travel in.
Guys I really want to encourage you to keep yourselves in check and not use the lifestyle to get over your break up using it as safe haven or release to sexually get over someone. You will mess your mind up and yourself up in more ways than you could realize, not to mention you could hurt people who you know and like, maybe even care about. Take some time off for you, don't just jump back in with both feet thinking you are fine and good to go. You're not, and nothing is more damaging than doing something that you may regret later. Take care of yourself first, and understand I am not suggesting by any means to not be a part of the lifestyle. Rather to just take some time, make your own safety check list on where you are at mentally and emotionally. Check in with yourself from time to time and check in with a friend that knows you well enough that would be a strong support factor in keeping your head on straight in your healing processes too. I know men heal differently then women, but coming from a woman who was with a man who burned a ton of bridges and friendships in the lifestyle, for men…nothing is more embarrassing than having a couple or someone else call you out on a really bad judgement call that was made on your part.
I understand for a lot of females and some males that find themselves single on the playground that some come to the realization that they got into the world for the male that they were with. Don't turn your back on it just because you are single now. Take some time with it, think about it and start making your own person pros and cons list about the lifestyle. Reach out and talk to people you know you can trust about this and do not let anyone pressure you into getting into situations until you are ready for them.
For the females I encourage you to take more personal time with the female experiences, maybe one couple you know you feel safe with and keep it simple for sometime. Now if your cons list comes out that this really was not something you wanted, then you learned something about yourself. That is even more powerful when you find someone new that you want to be close with. Take your stance on your issues that are important to you and what your deal breakers are and never compromise on any of them. Ladies, if he is worth it and he is a real man he will respect you for you stance and your view.
If you find your pros list is turning into the path that you are leaning towards going down remember…..be kind to yourself, treasure yourself and most of all respect yourself in your choices and take all the time you want in getting out there. Make your new safety bumper list like you did in the beginning. Surround yourself with people or a person you can trust. Being open to experiences doesn't mean you need to participate right away. Will you get that pressure at social events from people you who don't know you or your situation, absolutely but the people you are with will take you under their wings in the beginning and help protect you until you get your feet under you again. I am learning to stop in, be social for a few hours and before things start to heat up to excuse myself as to keep myself from getting or feeling that pressure. Keep telling yourself: “It is my choice on when I am ready to play again, no one else's!” But make sure not to send out the wrong signals during this time and you should be fine. Be open to meeting single men at social gatherings where you know people, you never know it could lead into a priceless experience and maybe a lead in to a good relationship. Besides, I am pretty confident, ladies, that if you do find that single gentleman in the lifestyle, he may just want to give you a push on the swings too.
Marilyn and Cooper's advice to me could not be more true….surround myself with people I trust….you'll never be disappointed and you will get to open up a bigger circle of good friends when you are ready for that. I hope you all were able to get something out of my experience and I hope this helps at least one single going through the same experience as I am.
Good luck singles and keep playing nice on the playground.
I am very happy to read this article as it kind of mirrors some of my experiences. I too found myself single after coming into the lifestyle. It took me some time to comee to terms with where I was at, how I wanted that to be, and found that when I changed my profile to “not looking for new” I was able to take control of my experience and make it one for me instead of being that”prize” for others as you spoke of. Now I am much more in control of my own experience, and have gained confidence on my own by doing exactly as you said- keeping those that I trust close to me. I have also managed to find a few single men that have become very good friends and are a good support for me as they and I are very much on the same page as I am about being single and still being in this lifestyle that we choose.