NRE and crushing. Relationships. Time. I've been thinking of those four words a lot, lately. Every poly is different. Right now, my poly includes me, my husband and my girlfriend in a V formation, with me at the point.
I already spend a great deal of time with my significant others. I am literally never alone. I felt like I was starting to lose myself, starting to feel like I was defined by my relationships with them. The things I liked to do when I was alone—writing, reading, cleaning, organizing, etc.–were being neglected. Myself, or my idea of Myself, was becoming atrophied.
So I took a day to myself.
Yep, it was that simple. I said, “Hey guys, I think I need more time to myself. I'm going to take Wednesdays for some me-time.”
It's Wednesday now, as I write this.
I love Wednesday.
I am in NRE with Wednesday.
Last week was my first Wednesday. I had a date with myself. I sat on the couch and read. I did some writing. I did some organizing. I sunbathed at the pool until the storm clouds rolled in. I did nothing and it was glorious.
So, there's that. I've been thinking a lot about time management, and space and the like. Ark is, I guess, officially not seeing anyone else at this point. He's actually a little frustrated with himself for getting so attached so early, but to be honest, I'm kind of hurting too. The way everything broke off was confusing and we didn't even know if it was over or not, for so long. We even were kind of hopeful when we went back to town in May, that we'd see her and talk about it and maybe find out for sure what was going on, where we stand. Does she love us? Does she want to be with us? We still don't know. We just kinda gave up.
Besides that, there's this guy. We'll call him Kiba. Kiba is a friend of mine from high school. We have a lot in common, and we've been pretty good friends ever since the day we met. I guess I can say I've been crushing on him since that day; finding out little things about him, like that he likes the same music as me, and he likes cats, and he's just a damn sweetheart… yeah. It wasn't long before I knew I liked Kiba more than was platonically appropriate.
Due to neither of us ever being available at the same time, and neither of us ever showing vocal interest in the other, we just kinda went our separate ways and never pursued a relationship of any type.
But, guys, I dream about Kiba.
It's really strange. I don't usually have dreams with people I know in them, unless they're people I see all the time and they're relevant to the dream. But I have dreams with Kiba in them, where we're friends and we're together, just hangin' out and doing friend things, but the tension between us is so there. In the dream, I can feel the temptation to just touch him, even if it's just to brush some hair from his eyes, or to lean in and kiss him, even if it's just to see if he'd kiss me back.
I had such a dream recently. I woke up, still feeling it, still wondering. The feeling of anticipation, the feeling of wanting something so bad and restraining as I always do, hit me with a force I hadn't felt in a long time. I was lost in my head all day thinking about Kiba, and of course wondering. Would he kiss me back? Would he have ever kissed me back?
What if he was feeling the same things I was feeling?
This is where I get myself every time. My feelings for other people, especially during NRE, feel so strong and so crazy, that I am always in doubt. Am I way more into them than they are into me?
I tried to think back. We had close moments, Kiba and I. But make no mistake, there was never a moment of romance. Not a real one, anyway. I may have imagined, I may have dreamed, but I ‘behaved' and I never stepped out of the careful lines I'd drawn around myself.
I couldn't say for sure.
Kiba was within reach.
I picked up my phone and typed the text message, “Hey, I'm gonna ask you a strange and seemingly random and possibly inappropriate question…”
This conversation happened weeks ago. Yet, I still haven't talked to Raja (note: Kitten is now Raja) and Ark about it. Why not? Well, fellow polyamorists and swingers and non-monogamists, let me tell you something.
Because I'm still thinking about it.
I can't communicate something if I don't know what I'm communicating about.
I'm still processing.
Mostly, it was about this: If I'm already in two relationships that I consider “full-time,” and I meet someone else with whom I'd like to start another relationship, how much of my already precious time am I willing to give to this person?
The answer was, “not a lot.”
It sounds unfair, I know. The best option for me would be to make sure that whoever it is I get interested in (be it Kiba, or whoever else comes along) knows exactly what I'm willing to put on the table. Realistically, I think I could casually date another person, but I could never be as fully committed to them as I am to Ark and Raja. I mean I could have date nights with them, and if/when they visit me, I'd spend time with them, but… yeah… I just don't see anything on that level I have with my two mates currently.
So it looks like, in my poly, I accidentally have two primaries. I'm definitely serious about my relationship with Raja and of course I am serious about my marriage to Ark, and I love them both dearly and really don't want to give either of them up anytime soon.